I Have Not Taken A Day Off of Work in Two Years
This little spat of words is brought to you by the feelings of dread, self doubt, and an overall numbness to the world.
Every morning I take a short walk. It is not a meditative walk, it is an obligatory walk around the block because we no longer have a yard for my dog to do her business in. She is leash aggressive and tries to kill every dog she sees. It’s probably not the best way to start my morning. Nonetheless it’s a time to ponder and reflect provided there are no other dogs in sight.
I would love for these walks to be a time of gratitude and existential amusement but they are far removed from that. I usually think about work. Then I question whether what I am doing is work or not? If you are a creator who is trying to be a professional creative I think you can relate.
The work doesn’t feel like work, until it does. The feeling of work only comes from obligation and a pay check. My work doesn’t feel justified unless it yields results.
Doing Work You Love
When I say results I mean serious results. Making $5 on medium honestly feels amazing, but it doesn’t pay for anything really. I also have a documentary film that is being played in a local theatre in April of 2022. That almost feels like work.
Is what I am doing right now work? Yes it most certainly is, but I don’t want it to feel like work. I would love to spend all of my days doing things that don’t feel like work but to still make a living from it. I think that’s the dream.
That dream is quite unattainable and I know this. I use to fantasize about getting paid to make commercial and short films for people. Now that I do that I kind of dread going to work for someone to make their vision come to life. I am no fool I know the second I start paying all of the bills with my visions that too will feel like work.
Being Your Own Boss
For two years which happens to coincide with the time that I quite my “real job” I have not ever allowed myself to take a day off. On vacations I manically write down idea in my notes app on my phone or I take cell phone videos for memories, but the thought always crosses my mind that those clips could be used for b roll in a video essay.
Is all of this wildly unhealthy?
Does this all lead to a road paved with shame?
Anytime I spend time away from work I think that I am being lazy and then I shame myself for it. Unless I get three or four IPA’s or some bourbon inside of me. Then I’m too dumbed down to think about how wildly unproductive I am being.
Just like all good clichés this one has stuck around because it is true. “The worst boss you’ll ever have is you.”
Don’t be like me. I hope through this half thought out screed you have learned how to not be.
I hold myself to impossible standards at times. I know this and I am working on it. I think being honest while I type is helping.
Maybe I will take the rest of the day off.